January 1st, 2007
I miss porn on video
I miss porn on video. I downloaded a new bit of flarn there over the weekend and it was some ropey German shit from the 90’s transferred from video and as with most flarn I acquire these days it stirred an emotion other than what the producer intended.
Nostalgia slapped me like a bitch. The grainyness and sporadic wobble reminded me of the golden years of porn for me, a complex network of tape trading and subterfuge where new material was rare. Living at home with your folks added to the danger of trying to get the video player to yourself but what I miss most is this: A sizeable collection was hard to hide.
Think about it, a video tape or rather a dozen video tapes takes up a fair chunk of space. I resorted to tactics worthy of Sun Tzu; hide in open site. A sophisticated labelling system meant I could safely store the smut in the front room. For example,
Rocco’s Parisian Perversions was labelled Rocky and Bullwinkle (French subs) and
Strap on Sally became S.O.S.- Son of Sam Live 1976. Completely parent proof.
Where 5 or 6 years ago porn was rationed out in dribs and drabs that could only be viewed on the sly, we now can download explicit hardcore dvd quality flarn for free which can be easily stored in a password protected pc and viewed anywhere, look at the video ipod for christs sake.
It’s too easy and there’s too much. Like the shit cartoons that prosper between December 22nd-28th, I am the kid who wished it was Christmas everyday and is now miserable every time he pulls a cracker/cracks one off.
Here’s another unique property of video porn, inevitably the best bit was rewinded and rewinded until the film was ruined. And it was part of the thrill knowing that you could replay a certain bit but only a finite number of times before you damaged the tape and prevented yourself from ever seeing the ‘gold’ again.
I’m a notorious porn nazi. I was pioneer of dvd porn in Dublin in the late 90’s, I was one of those show-offs who had a dvd player before you and made a few quid transferring dvd’s to video, the quality and clarity just blew people away. But finding myself with a steady supply and now with the facility to view them at 8 times the speed, I became a porn nazi. I can watch, review, distill and grade a 2 hr flarn on fast forward in about 10 minutes. That’s what I’m like now, if I don’t like the camera work or I even see the remotest attempt at introducing a plot it’s deleted. It’s sad when you won’t watch a blue because of the editing.
I always said I’d never abandon videos, like most people I still have hundreds of them, in the last 2 years I’ve only set the video up once. I still have the first blue I bought on video, Euruptions 4. Maybe I’ll dust off the player tonight and fiddle with my tracking for old time’s sake.
______________________
