January 7th, 2007
Raped in the ear
I have no shame in admitting that I listen to self help mp3’s. Yeah, all that ‘7 habits of highly successful people’ stuff, I lap it up. 90% of is crap and tragically funny but there are a few good ones. Hey, they all come for free and I get sick of listening to Bette Midler
I also have a sizeable collection of ‘relaxation’ sounds ranging from gentle rainfall to terrifying jungle noises, different strokes for different folks there, I can handle sparrows and woodland birds twittering away but not scary parrots and monkeys making that horrible cackling sound. During my self help download bonanza I got into self hypnosis and guided meditation, some of them are great but most of them are shit with some dude just whispering with a reverb echo effect on. I’d listen to the first 20 seconds before deleting the shit ones. I found one that sounded really relaxing and ran for about 10 mins, just right for a bedtime listening.
I’m always in a bad mood going to bed. By the time I’ve finished dicking around drawing it’s 11pm and I only get an hour of fun before having to go to bed. The thoughts of a guided meditation at bedtime sounded good.
I got comfortable and let it play, struck by the male speaker’s strange comment that ‘he’s never done this before but here we go’. My qualms were soon lost as he described me being in a beautiful meadow. I should really draw a pic of me prancing merrily through flowers but I have no Wacom today. Everything was grand, got around 5 minutes of genuine relaxation and hit that state where you’re still listening but half asleep. He kept describing my surroundings and all but suddenly the speaker is in the meadow with me, I was too snoozy to do anything but accept this and let it flow. He then describes himself putting his arms around the back of me and massaging away my tension. Thought it was a tad fruity but my inner gay told me to go with the flow.
Next thing he’s kissing me and dropping the hand. Wham! I’m awake and panicked.
Raped in the ear in my own bed. I jumped out of bed and was ready to kill somebody at this stage and wished my neighbours were playing music so I could go in and slap one of them silly. I felt violated. Sounds funny now but I was really shook up.
It is funny now. I presume it was just a recording some bloke made for his girlfriend which made it’s way to torrent land. And a valuable lesson about trusting an illegal download, who‘s to stop me from doing the same? Put up a torrent where the first 5 minutes are legit with me guiding you through a serene forest then all of a sudden a hand bursts through the ground, grabs your ankle and its Resident Evil time. It’d be a good sting.
P.s. Not gay. NOT GAY.
