I had time off earlier this year and while I was off I became constipated. I now know that it was constipation rather than the ruptured hernia and prostate cancer that all my thoughtful mates suggested. I thought it was a hernia too, I had been lifting loads of stuff before we moved into the new house and it seemed logical that my once mighty torso would be damaged from sudden heavy lifting. Yeah you heard me, mighty torso. All oiled up and bronzed and all it was.

I was convinced my stomach was hanging out of my daddy bag or whatever. Then after some online diagnosis I reasoned it was constipation. My diet consists of Maltana bread and snots so it's never really a surprise when I get dietary deficiencies, can't even spell it, too much iceicei going on there.I needed laxatives.

I've never tasted prune juice and have heard stories about it's power. In my then local Spar, they always had prune juice in the juice section. I've never seen it in a shop of that size and it was always in stock so somebody must be buying it. I went up to buy some and I chickened out!
What a fag! It's not as if it's tampons or lube. I bought some Maltana and left. On walking out I saw the standard group of lads 14-16 that hang around every shop asking people for smokes or to buy cans for them in the Spar.

Aha! A solution of Larry Davidian proportions: I could go in and buy the kids some beer if they done me a favour in return, go in and buy me some black gold; some prune juice. It didn't happen and I walked home while I tried to figure out how to make a silent 8 panel comic from the idea. At home I tried crapping and wished I bought the prune juice like a man.

Next day I bought laxatives. No joy. No poo. The day after I went in and asked for the heavy duty stuff, the liquid medicine type one. I of course pretended to ring Hayley when the pharmacist quizzed me, trying to make out like she sent me to the shops. The pharmacist says in a hushed tone, "Well if she's really desperate, there's these" as he showed me a shotgun round. "Suppositries". Nah, fuck that, I may be crippled with poo but I'm not sticking a dissolving fizzle stick in Dirt Lane. I got the liquid and skulled twice the dosage, no joy.

Over the next few days a small bit came out but I still didn't feel right. Soon I was back in work and back to my routine and my bowel movements returned to normal.

I couldn't figure what it was. Only when somebody asked me for a chewing gum did I cop it. I mill down at least one pack of Wrigley's Extra every weekday, since I 'gave up smoking' wink wink I've come to depend on them to stop me from getting up from my desk and wasting an hour downstairs. Sure enough, it says on the back of of the pack 'Excessive consumption may cause laxative effect'

My digestive system now depends on Wrigley's Extra to shit. By not chewing them for a few days my bowels just refused to work. What will happen if I cut out the Maltana?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------