Heres a vewwwy interesting revision of the auld classic Rock,Paper, Scissors game for the Pokemon generation. It amazes me how complex Yu-gi-oh and all that crap is and the kids lap it up.

http://www.umop.com/rps25.htm

And Lo, it came to pass that I was skimming through one of Hayley's shit celebrity gossip mags when I saw Jordan's blind baby Harvey, standing tall between her and Peter Andre. I'll dig it out and scan it. It's an iconic image, a caricature of a cartoon page 3 idiot and a has-been popstar made good with their perfect showbiz image struggling to hold up what looks like a cute Garbage Pail Kid with googly cookie monster eyes. Poor kid.

Leafing through 'Hello' and 'Heat' etc, with all the beautiful people and the surgically enhanced bitches who still have to get photoshopped, the image of poor lil Harvey doesn't sit right. He has some growth hormone problem and he's blind and generally not in good health but apart from the comedic value of seeing an over sized disabled black kid gatecrash a glossy and make his mother's apperance look even more removed from reality, he serves as a grim reminder of the effects of the exact same lifestyle that these mags celebrate. A bastard son of celebrity.

Apparently though his condition is not thought to be a result of the stupid sluts intake of booze during pregnancy, maybe just Karma. I feel for the poor kid but still can't help feel schadenfreude that now the leading showbiz couple who are probably singlehandedly responsible for the alarming rate of fake tan use and abuse, have this millstone around their necks.

Harvey will die, and we'll read about it. Then we'll read about the exclusive interviews. How will his parents honour him? Eric Clapton wrote a sweet song about his kid that died, Bono wrote 'Vertigo' about the gay dude that died while he was commiting anal atrocities on him but what're Jordan and Andre going to do? Get her tits out? Is he going to sing under a waterfall with his abs all shiny? Fuck it i've ran out of steam

What's the beef with all these dopes and the proliferation of fake tan? Man, it's fuckin disgusting.
You see girls with orange blotchy faces and iodine-like streaks up their arms. It has to stop. Back in the day, pale and pasty skin was something to be proud of, it meant you were privelged. If you got to sit inside away from the sun it meant you had cash and didn't have to be out in all weathers scooping potatoes out of the ground. But this fake tan shit has to end. Hayley puts it on and she's pale and freckly so her face is golden brown textured like sun but her neck has more patches than a fuckin a pirate in an old sytle quilt (like that?)

I hate the sun. I used to always cite the Billy Connolly's quote 'My natural color is this....(rolls up his sleeve) Pale Blue' and it served me well when I was explaining my hate to people but that was before I reounced Billy Connolly. I used to love him, even bought a few of his music albums.
There are two main reasons why I can't stomach him anymore:

1) the constant reiterating that he used to be a welder and is a working class hero. Every poxy Parky interview and live gig he does he brings this up.

2) Idiots and the uninititated always say: " Oh I love Billy Connolly! I love the way he starts off a joke and then wanders off the point and then finally returns to it! He used to be welder too did you know that...?" This is bollicks. I got 6 0r 7 of his live gigs on mp3 and listened to them back to back while working on comics and with my spaztastic Rain man-like autism that makes me see numbers as foreign glyphs but makes me count the number of syllables as people talk, I plotted a chart and noted the patterns of this so-called spontaneity and its all by design.
I'm not dissing him for being a good showman, just the dickheads who can't see this.

So, in another massive contradictory statement I'll leave it there.