What exactly is Grimace? You know who I’m talking about – that fat purple lad from the McDonald’s cartoons. This thought came to me recently while discussing the meaning of the various residents of McDonaldland. Some of them are real no-brainers: clearly Mayor McCheese represents cheeseburgers, the Hamburglar represents our universal love of meat sandwiches and the Fry Kids are well, chips. But a host of more nebulous characters have mortgages in the country: the Professor, Captain Crook and Birdy the Early Bird. Apparently they are not directly associated with any particular foodstuff but are just colourful creations designed to simply liven up the place – kind of like when Will & Grace writers draft in celebrities to shake up their hackneyed set-ups.

But Grimace’s place in the original McDonald’s line-up and his strange appearance definitely suggests a food-parallel. So I looked it up some more. Apparently, “When Grimace first joined McDonaldland he had four arms. You may be interested to know that at that time he was known as the evil Grimace who stole everybody's milk shakes. However, by 1974 he became the big, fuzzy purple fellow that everyone knows and loves today” (this from their Customer Service team).

Grimace is an amputee reformed milkshake-thief? The plot (and sheikhs) thickens. Maybe they’ve the right idea in Saudi Arabia. Incidentally Grimace wasn’t the only character to do a moral volte face; the Fry Kids started as chip-nabbing Goblins.

“Grimace is a big, loving, fuzzy purple fellow,” is the offical line from Hamburger University, “who is Ronald McDonald's best friend. He's sure Ronald is the world's ultimate authority on everything. While Grimace loves all McDonald's foods, he's absolutely crazy about milkshakes. Grimace is very enthusiastic and eager to try new things. His joyous spirit helps everyone overlook the fact he's a little slow and clumsy sometimes.”

Well I suppose that clears it up. The fat bollocks. Maybe he represents the customers?

Speaking of which, perhaps one of the most insidious new characters to move into McDonaldland are the gaily-titled Yum Chums. These children of cynicism feature in a series of two-minute films, shown on Nickelodeon, designed “to communicate the simple message that ‘it's fun when you eat right and be active’”. Now, like all of you, I’m supportive of anything that gets the tubby brats off their couches and away from their Playstations, but this is simply a way for McDonalds to cover their asses in case another one of these boo-hoo-we’re-fat class action suits come again. “We tried to tell them to get off their holes,” Kroc and co will shout at the judge, “but the ignorant bingo-winged bastards wouldn’t listen.”

“You've got to run/And jump around a bit/We're not ever gonna slow it down,” sing the furry creatures as they cavort around their exercise room like some sort of kinetic indemnity clause. What a bunch of fruits.

That said, McDonaldland isn’t all bad: it’s got a democratically elected Mayor, it’s open to new immigrants and it seems to foster a spirit of egalitarianism. Compare the alternative: the Burger King Kingdom. This totalitarian monarchy is ruled over with an iron fist by the sinister-faced Burger King and his court: the Burger Thing (a hamburger puppet), Sir Shakes-a-lot (a milkshake-obsessed knight) and The Wizard of Fries (a robot powered by chips). The only threat to the status quo is the Duke of Doubt, as viable an alternate option as electing Saddam to rule the US.

McDonaldland, huh? It’s not a perfect system, but it’s the best one we’ve got.

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By Cian Hallinan
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